ONE.SIX.THREE.

  • talks about her Confessions

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    Confession: I cannot remember things.

    Seriously.  I rarely remember specific details of my childhood unless someone brings a story up that reminds me or I read through my journal/look through my scrapbook.  It’s totally sad because I had a wonderful childhood and I’d love to have a better memory of the day to day & big events.  Even to this day, I am an avid documentor {journal/picture taking, etc.} because I know if it’s not written down & captured for us & our kids, I will not remember!  How sad, huh?

    I do seem to remember several humiliating moments more clearly though {bummer!} and I recalled one in crazy detail recently.  A couple weeks ago I weighed in {I’m a strict Sunday weigher} and realized I was only pounds away from a weight that carried a lot of emotion for me.  It brought all the details & feelings rushing back.  Here’s the scoop:

    It was my freshman year of high school.  PE class.  Girl’s locker room.  Our teacher {aka: very fit & athletic track coach} + her assistant {also very fit} had all the girls in my class line up in the locker room.  There was a scale-the old fashioned kind you stand on & they have to manually move the weights on the scale’s top & bottom row to find your exact weight-standing at the front of the line.  Each girl was required to stand on the scale where they’d find your weight & say it OUT LOUD to be recorded.  I was a fairly confident person and overcompensated for my weight insecurities by being very outgoing and social.  I don’t think I’d weighed myself in years up to this point.  Ignorance is bliss, after all. 

    The feeling I had in line though…I remember it so clearly.  I was talking, laughing, and acting normal, but my hands were clenched & sweating, and I was picturing what everyone would do when they realized {as if they couldn’t clearly see it by looking at me} that I was so much heavier than them.  I processed the numbers being announced as my small & thin & athletic friends went ahead of me: 105, 112, 117, 130.  Completely acceptable numbers for darling freshman high school girls.  Then it was my turn. 

    I stepped on the scale & I swear it took 20 minutes for them to decide on a place for those dang balances to land.  163.0.  Said loud & clear. 

    I was mortified!  I was a good 30-60 pounds heavier than 99% of the girls in my class!  I was already well aware that I was the largest of my girlfriends, but this announcement just shouted it to the world and made it so REAL. 

    Although I’m a {more} mature adult now and realize that 163 is a completely okay weight for a woman who is 5’7”, I still get a terrible taste in my mouth when I see that number on the scale.  It’s amazing to me how powerful childhood experiences can be and how they stick with us and mold us into who we are.  For this reason, if I am ever in a position to voice my opinion on weighing young girls for a health class or any assessment, I will strongly urge & suggest that it’s done discreetly {or not at all & base it on a different set of standards} & helpfully instead of flippantly and openly.  {To be fair, I don’t feel like my teacher was trying to embarrass us-it was protocol for her to do it the way she did-and, she had always been thin, so it probably didn’t even cross her mind as to how it would affect those of us who struggled with our weight & athleticism}. 

    So in full disclosure, two days ago on my weigh in I was at 161.6 and I breathed a sigh of relief to have passed a very emotional number.  It’s not that I couldn’t achieve health at 163, it’s that it carries so much “weight” and moving past it feels like such an accomplishment to me.  Here’s to continuing my journey toward health both inside & out.26.2poundsDo you have an emotional number or trigger that stems from a childhood experience?  Feel free to share in the comments or message me at zkyoufit@hotmail.com

    {picture taken last Thursday.  As of Sunday I am down 26.2 pounds since 10.20.13 & am enjoying the process so much.  Contact me if you want help on your journey: zkyoufit@hotmail.com}

COMMENTS

1 Response to one.six.three.

  • Teri Widmer wrote on February 11, 2014 at 11:48 // Reply

    Oh Karli, I admire you so much. I also had an experience like that. I was at the end of my 6th grade year and we also were being weighed. I hadn’t heard what the others were weighing but when I stepped on the scale my teacher, also my soccer coach, and man said, “95 pounds!!!!” Like he couldn’t believe I weighed that much. I was so humiliated….so I vowed I would loose weight. Unfortunantly that began my struggles with anorexia/bulimea(sp?)that would haunt me the rest of my life. This weight thing is such a struggle….

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