• talks about her Confessions


    Confession: I totally don’t want to write this, but am forcing myself in the hopes that it will be therapeutic.


    Yesterday was day {8/30} and my one week marker {wednesday to wednesday}.  The scale was pleasing and I’m hoping that my bodyfat is going down as well.  It just wasn’t my greatest eating day.  Here’s how it went down:


    I got up later than expected and got working on business stuff, laundry, dishes, etc.  Got the boys playing and thought about going out to get my workout in.  Didn’t do it.  Some friends stopped by at 10-which I’d completely forgotten about and I still wasn’t even dressed for the day.  Lovely.  Visited with them & around 1 left to go grocery shopping.


    This is where the cycle started for me.  I have a few {okay several}, what I like to call, “Gateway Foods.”  Just like an alcoholic or an addict of any kind, there are certain things I am just not strong enough to have in my house because eventually-maybe not right at first-I will give in and have some.  Then I’ll think negatively and sabotage myself by having more and other things that aren’t going to help my progress.  It was also one of the worst times for me to be grocery shopping as I was EXHAUSTED {the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me} and food is always more appealing and tempting to me when I’m tired.


    Anyway, I was picking up Peanut butter & Coffee creamer for a friend, and otherwise wouldn’t have been in that aisle at all yesterday.  Since I was, I happened to see the Nutella sitting right by the Peanut butter.  Nutella is definitely a gateway food for me.  {Sidenote: if you haven’t tried it, do yourself a favor and DON’T.  Especially not on top of vanilla ice cream.  Just sayin}.  I looked at it and thought “no, it won’t help you reach your goal.”  I grabbed it and read the nutrition labels, compared it to peanut butter, and reasoned with myself that 1 tablespoon {a half serving} once a week or so wouldn’t be too harmful.


    The problem?  I recognized the fact that I was using justification at this point.  I knew what I was doing.  I knew I could never-at this point in the game-stop at one tablespoon.  I was the devil on my own shoulder telling me to just get it, that I was strong enough, that it couldn’t tempt me, that I was in total control, and that I could have Nutella in the house and not eat it.


    As I drove home I was already going over scenarios in my mind of how I could fit the Nutella into my eating plan for the day.  Definitely not good.  By the way, the stop-challenge-choose tactic wasn’t doing it for me either.  Because I chose for it not to.  And it turns out I am NOT strong enough to have Nutella in the house.  I’m not saying I’ll never be strong enough, I’m just not at this point.  I’m an addict.  It’s something I’ll have to be consciously aware of the rest of my life.  I’ve come to grips with that fact.  But sometimes I really hate it.


    I had at least 2 servings of Nutella yesterday.  In the whole scheme of things it’s not going to kill me.  It’s not going to derail 8 days or 1 year or 8 years of progress that I’ve made.  It’s not even something most people would think twice about.  But for me, it was a gateway to several other not great choices.  A handful of Doritos here, a couple slices cheese there, etc.  I was just being lazy about my choices and feeling crappy because I felt like I’d lost control, I’d given in to the monster of food that has challenged me my entire life, and the scariest part was that I just didn’t want to care.  I did and do care though, which is often my saving grace.


    Of course these choices {and the sabotage me-devil in my mind} made it nearly impossible to want to workout.  I figured I’d screwed up my day and would just start over tomorrow… Instead I laced on my shoes {at 10:30 PM}, got out there and did it, thanks in part to an encouraging husband.  It was half-hearted and short, just 22 minutes on the elliptical, but it was something.  It was good.  It got me feeling good enough to get a shower and get to bed for some much needed rest.


    As for the Nutella, I hid it from myself right when I woke up, but knew that on another day sometime in the future it might call to me, so I sent it with my sister to dispose of it for me.


    My point in writing this is not to justify my actions; rather to point out that in the past a lapse like that would have led to days/weeks/months of bad habits to crawl back from.  Instead, today {9/30} was better.  I got a much needed nap this afternoon, a great 50 minute weight lifting workout, better eating, and happier thoughts.  I even laughed about my craziness with a friend.  At this point for me, it’s not about being perfect at everything.  It’s about gaining control and tackling the deep-seated roots of food addiction that are mine.  Even when it seems like I take two steps forward and one step back, I’m still moving forward.  The journey is slower for me than some people, but I’m taking it.  And I’m learning and making progress the whole way.


    PS: I think for now I’ll stay away from the peanut butter aisle.



2 Responses to Gateway Foods

  • Brenda wrote on July 1, 2011 at 5:43 // Reply

    Hey Darlin’!
    Just got home from the grocery store & can TOTALLY relate!
    I found myself walking really fast through the store & keeping my list right in my face. It helped that the Friday afternoon crowd was there & I had a very short window to shop – had to stay ON TRACK.
    Oh how I can relate & I love that you labeled the problem: GATEWAY foods. That is a great buzzword to empower me to call them what they are & give myself permission to not allow them near me at this point!
    You’re awesome Karli – thanks for sharing vulnerably.

  • Jennifer Bonner wrote on July 3, 2011 at 4:06 // Reply

    The journey may be longer or shorter but the view from the top doesn’t change. You are preaching to the choir when you talk about gateway foods. I have a long list and for the most part they are not allowed in the house, except peanut butter. I will not deprive my daughter of her favorite sandwich just because her mother has serious portion control problems with it. The way I handle it being in the house isn’t usual in the fact that I simply don’t look at it even when I have to get into the fridge. And when I do have to look at it I mentally hide the lusciousness of its taste. I think of other things such as my current goals (running a marathon).

    You are an amazing person to be so open and honest with everyone. I have noticed throughout my journey the more I open up my darkest secrets, the more therapy I receive.

    You are beautiful, intelligent and awesome. Keep up the good work and celebrate any accomplishment!


FILL THE FIELDS TO LEAVE A REPLY. Your email address will not be published.